Egg Alternative Christmas Soundtrack

Christmas time, mistletoe and whining at the same Christmas songs that get dusted off and hung up every year. The last refuge of overly coiffured bands (see Wham!, Slade and the entire cast of Band Aid), past it pop stars (step away from the tree Paul McCartney and Elton John) and modern day monstrosities (like Busta and Beiber, if you can bieliebe it?), the seasonal period definitely needs some musical seasoning. So in the face of the blizzard of inevitable unclassics, we've dug out our Top Ten alternative anthems to regale your relatives with during a post-lunch YouTube set.

Don't forget Egg's special Christmas parties, with Sam Paganini playing a special four hour set on Friday 23rd of December alongside ZØE (tickets/info here) and Technasia and Adrian Hour taking over our Boxing Day Special on Monday December 26th (tickets/info here). You can also see out 2016 at our Altered States New Year's Eve event with Pan-Pot alongside Matador and Christian Burkhardt playing live (tickets/info here).

1. OJ Sámson - 'Jungle Bells'

'Jungle Bells' is the kind of pun you come up with, then work backwards from because it's too good not to actually exist. What could be even better than a jungle version of 'Jingle Bells'? How about it being sung in Hungarian. By an artist called OJ Sámson. Then preceding the inevitable children's choir by repeatedly shouting 'ganja man' to really capture the spirit of family fun...

2. Cassetteboy - 'Festive Christmas'

You may know Essex duo Cassetteboy for their painstaking, razor sharp cut-ups of politicians, comedians, celebrities and TV stars. Here's Jeremy Hunt, for example, ingeniously rapping about young doctors over The Village People's YMCA. They started, however, at the turn of the millennium doing musical cut-ups, alongside brilliantly named collaborator DJ Rubbish on the equally brilliantly named Barry's Bootlegs. Their 'Festive Christmas' CD ensures a soundtrack for ADHD inebriates, whatever their age/maturity.

3. Hell Interface - 'Soylent Night'  

Scottish brothers Boards of Canada are best known for their beautiful, gossamer ambient excursions on Warp Records. Using the alternative moniker of Hell Interface, they're ventured into less characteristic territory. Their remix of Midnight Star's 'Midas Touch' justifiably costs a bomb, adding a dark, melancholic edge to the bragging original. 'Soylent Green', taken from the 1997 various EP 'Whine And Missingtoe', gives Christmas similarly dark overtones referencing 'Soylent Green', the 1973 sci-fi film where human remains are secretly turned into food... which, we imagine, tastes a lot like turkey.

4. Culturcide - 'Santa Claus Was My Lover'

Why not jump on the fact that everyone loves Michael Jackson's 'Billy Jean' by just singing your own saucy seasonal lyrics over the top of it? A not so loving love song about Santa, the lyrics are the clincher: 'Santa claus, he was my lover / she's just a girl with a big white beard, but the reindeer is kind of weird / I can handle the beard, but the reindeer was too weird.' B-side 'Depressed Christmas' probably isn't one for late night play in an eggnog haze.

5. Dynamix II - 'Deck The Halls Of Bass'

Back in 1987 Miami electro-bass act Dynamix II implored to 'Give The DJ A Break'. But in 1994 they put out 'A Merry Bass Christmas' compilation, suggesting some electro DJs had their work cut out over the festive period. True to their Miami roots, the cover features a woman wearing the kind of Christmas outfit you're unlikely to see if you live in England and promises 'woofer freezing bass'. Watch your bassbins, I'm telling ya.

6. DJ Spen - 'Our First Christmas'

An Egg favourite, ex-Basement Boy DJ Spen's 'Our First Christmas' is a genuine living room floor filler, especially if your family has a taste for soulful US house. Keep their hands in the air with the rest of the compilation it's taken from, 'Christmas In The House' (geddit?) - featuring the likes of Eric Kupper and Ananada Project - released on New York's seminal King Street Sounds.

7. Albert King - 'Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'

Ever wonder why Santa Claus has a red face? Maybe he's just had some lovin'. Just don't play this, however much your auntie loves soul.

8. Louis Armstrong - 'What A Wonderful World (The Orb Remix)'

Feeling stressed out by the mounting piles of Christmas socks? Family increasingly unimpressed by electro and house on Christmas day? Sit back on the sofa and relax with chill out kings The Orb remixing the smoothing voice of Louis Armstrong in a rub-a-dub stylee.

9. Eek-A-Mouse - 'The Night Before Christmas'

Speaking of which, Eek-A-Mouse's toasting take on 'The Night Before Christmas' is just half of the sizzling reggae roasts from his Christmas canon. See also 'Chrismas-A-Come'.

10. Nathan Fake - 'Silent Night (Merry Christmas From Tokyo)'

Still struggling to please the traditionalists and the heads? Nathan Fake's 'Silent Night (Merry Christmas From Tokyo)' remixes the classic in an epic, morphing Border Community style while keeping the melody to the fore for maximum nodding from the rellies. 

Has everyone ever actually recorded a Christmas track? If even Aphex Twin has, then we're 99.9% certain that there's an alternate simulated reality – we're living in a simulation, haven't you heard? - just a few quibits away where the answer is 'yes'. Meet you there next Christmas.

Hopefully these will prove your mettle as chief DJ at family gatherings. Now suggest that they celebrate the arrival of 2017 with Armitage & Shanks' take on 'Auld Lang Syne'. Altogether now: 'Here it comes.'